who's she becoming?

She felt like she was losing herself. Even in the midst of the new person she was starting to become, she desperately yearned for her old self to return back to her. She wanted to be the goody two shoes she always remembered herself to be. She wanted to feel innocent again. She wanted to feel like herself again. Things were changing too fast. Her environment stimulated these changes. She started to have weird not so innocent thoughts. Hormones started spiraling, moods started taking over.

She wondered why she would suddenly burst out crying, and wondered why she would randomly feel so ugly, why she suddenly couldn't take a "joke", why she became too physically aware of how she looked, how people's words were quick to pierce through her skin that used to be thick. Why did a part of her suddenly crave attention even in the slightest from people. When did she start getting scared to be left alone with him in fear that he would harm her. That he would do the worst things to her and make her feel helpless.

Why did she suddenly start to be cautious of the longing stares of people when she walked down the street. When did she start having the habit of having a pepper spray in every purse that she seemed to own. She wondered when she developed the interest to learn self defense when she had always been scared of even throwing a punch. Why she always had a friend on speed dial anytime she left her house.

She wanted everything to feel right again, she longed to be "innocent again"

But she was growing. Yearning for her old self to come back to her seemed like she was staunching her growth and she refused to let that happen. Life experiences attributed to this change and she understands that now.